Young Writers Society

Crystal Shadow wrote:Good enough excuse for me. Ten words? Wait 'til you have to memorize half the dictionary for the SAT's. But still, it would mess me up, too.

Chapter Two/Part One—

For a moment it seemed like nothing moved, nothing breathed. Finally the dragon shifted its mass and swung its tail around, lowering it near me. I finally remembered to breath, and gasped for air. As oxygen swelled into my chest I turned my head slightly to look at the dull white scales, stained with red. It took me a second to focus my vision entirely, and it wasn't until then did I see the sword lodged deep into it.

"Jade," I heard Kamion hiss softly. But I ignored him as I reached out and grabbed the hilt of the sword. As it slid out, so did a gush of blood that covered my arm. Pain jolted up my arm, and I gasped and pulled away, looking down at it. Some of my cuts had opened from the fall off the horse. The dragon's blood mixed with mine, and the cuts were slowly burning shut, several of the smaller ones were already sealed.

A second later I could feel the rest of the pain; something that felt like my arm was burning while nails were being hammered into it. I couldn't even scream; stars danced in front of my eyes and my vision had started to blur.

"Jade!" I heard Kamion call again, more urgently, but his voice seemed far off. All I could see was the dull, yellow-white scales of the dragon before I passed out, and all I could think was how gorgeous and pearly white it would be if I could groom it.

~~~

I stared out at the field sullenly, as if trying to memorize the sight I already had deep in my memory. It was suddenly smothered in darkness as a cloud covered the moon, and I turned and started trudging away. My pace grew faster as reluctance slid from my mind, leaving me running down the dirt road.

Past the stable and barn, and even more fields of cotton and corn. Finally at the fork, I turned and made my own, third path, into the woods. I had to slow down now, even though I had never set foot into the forest, I knew it was difficult not to make noise.

I could feel a shiver run down my spine, and then up again. Not because of the cold night air, or the pitch-blackness that shrouded me, but the excitement of doing this, actually running away. I wasn't hesitant, or scared any more. I could do this; I was doing it.

I was escaping the farm.


Several hours later that same thought echoed through my mind, but I wasn't quite sure if it was a good thing any longer. I was cold, hungry, and dirty, and sitting beneath a tree, wrapped in an old, ratty blanket that did nothing for me. My stomach growled angrily, demanding food that I didn't have.

I had only brought a few pieces of bread, all of which I had quickly devoured. For some reason I thought I'd be able to pick food from the woods, everyone said it held plenty of berries, mushrooms, and edible leaves. So far I had found none, though I knew I wouldn't be able to tell an edible leaf from a non-edible one. But I hadn't seen one berry or mushroom this whole time, and it was the middle of full-leaf!

Angrily I swiped at a rock besides me, and to my surprise four legs appeared under it and it scurried away. I inched back slowly, my eyes wide at the strange sight.

"Peculiar, isn't it?" The sudden voice made me lurch back into my spot, then jump to my feet and turn around.

"I'm not-" I began, but trailed off and looked up at the boy in front of me, my lips parting in surprise. He had brown, baggy pants hiding his black boots. A red shirt was tucked neatly into the pants, and though he was dirty, he certainly looked in much better condition than I did.

"What is a girl doing in these woods? Are you lost?" He asked, leaning over me. I cowered back and swallowed nervously.

"N-no, I don't have a home." It wasn't really a lie. The farm wasn't too much of a home, and I had abandoned it anyway.

"Oh? That's strange. Do you live here?" He asked, his blue eyes sparkling in the light that the rising sun sent over the trees. I could tell he was teasing me, so I stood up straighter and tried to look strong.

"No. What is your name, sir?" I asked coldly, narrowing my eyes and hoping he realized I wasn't going to let him pester me.

"Kamion, or just Kam. And yours?" He didn't seem to have any respect. I was never respected, but he didn't know my status. I looked down at my clothes and realized it was obvious I wasn't that high in the ranks.

"Jade," I said dryly, and turned to leave.

"No, don't go." Kamion put a hand on my shoulder, and I shuddered involuntarily. He quickly let go of me, but continued speaking. "You look hungry, and cold. I have some food, and a camp. Come and stay for the night, won't you? Me and Sharth won't mind."

I turned around again and crossed my arms.

"Sharth?" I questioned, and he gestured for me to follow him. Stepping uncertainly over another rock, I did so. He led me into a small clearing, where a brown horse stood, muzzle resting on the ground as he dozed quietly. His tail was flicking lazily back and forth, and when Kamion walked up to him and put a hand on his neck, he shook his black mane as if trying to get off an annoying fly.

"This is Sharth, my traveling companion. Raised him since he was a colt." Kam smiled again, and then pointed to a small fire. "Breakfast is cooking. Do you mind the wait?" I shook my head no, then walked over and sat besides the flames. I felt much warmer now, and I wasn't sure if it was the sunrays, or just the fact that I had found some food and company.

~~~

"Jade," I opened my eyes to find myself staring into blue-grey ones.

"Sharth, I remembered his name." I smiled lightly, but the smile quickly slid from my face as I sat up and looked around. "What happened?" I asked, my heart starting to pound harder as I remembered what happened.

"A lot of things." Kamion said softly, looking past me. I turned my head, and my gaze fell upon the giant, white mass several yards away. My breath caught in the back of my throat, as I watched the dragon's stomach rise and fall slowly.

It was lying down, it's tail wrapped around its body and the tip over its nose. I had to admit the sight was rather cute, like a cat almost.

"You bonded with it." Kamion's grim voice interrupted my thoughts, and I looked back at him.

"What? What does that mean?" I asked. I've never heard of people 'bonding' with dragons.

"You mixed your blood with its blood, and now you're bonded. No one's done that in two hundred years." He looked down at me, and noticed the fright in my eyes. "It isn't...entirely bad. People stopped doing it because they grew afraid of dragons, farther apart from them. This one is kind though; she just wanted to get the arrow out of her tail. But I don't know what will happen if other people find out." He swallowed, and so did I.

I glanced down and realized all my bruises and cuts were gone. There weren't even scars remaining. I knew I should have been confused, lost, scared, and probably a whole heck of other feelings. But I wasn't. For some reason, I felt stronger, and happy too. And although I didn't understand this, confusion only bent my mind slightly.

"I have a dragon now." I whispered. The idea was so incredible, so impossible; it made me want to laugh.

"No, if anything the dragon has you. But you shouldn't even think of it that way. Think of it more as a...friendship. They're intelligent creatures, they really are. That's why people are so afraid of them." Kamion stood up and pulled me with him.

"You aren't scared of them?" I asked. When it had first some crashing from the trees, I had been pretty positive that he was frightened.

"Yes, I guess. Sometimes. It's hard to explain. I was scared, but I give animals a chance. Especially dragons. Most dragons won't hurt you if you respect them. That's where humans went wrong." We both looked up as the dragon shifted, then lifted it's head and let out a loud yawn.

"How do you know all that?" I asked as she dropped her head again and fell back asleep.

"My father taught me. He was a great man." Kamion smiled, then let me stand there alone, watching the dragon, to start cooking.

Good enough excuse for me. Ten words? Wait 'til you have to memorize half the dictionary for the SAT's. But still, it would mess me up, too.

eleinasari wrote:Quote:
It definitely wasn’t the grime we had last night. Grime was a basic food for slaves and peasants like me.
You have ‘grime’ two times.
I know, I wasn't sure if I should change that or not...it sounds okay to me, but I'll change it ^-^

Quote:
I swallowed, then took a bite, but I would never have been prepared for the taste that exploded into my mouth. Without further hesitation I, regrettably admit, devoured it.
‘I, regrettably admit, devoured it’?
>.> I did this pretty late at night...remember that...I'll change that, though...

Okay, on to part two…


Quote:
was leaning on the stallion’s neck, my arms draped at the sides of it.
Hm… That is a little unclear… Maybe you should say that she was holding on to its neck or something?
Yeah, it is, thanks for pointing that out.

Quote:
Now I understood all too well. If we made camp it would be dangerous,
You have ‘dangerous’ above, too. Use something else now.
Haha, I didn't realize that either...time for the dictionary >.>



Wow, that’s all that I could catch, hehe.

Okay, I liked the story, need I say more? Hehe, if you finish the book I’ll give ya all my points xD
Thank you. I'll give myself all my points if I manage to finish it too ^-^

I like your style, you have very few errors - that makes it an easy read. As its interesting, its not just a big blob of text, lol. What I would like is that you explain the Farm a bit more, okay?
Thank you! I'll explain the farm more in the next few chapters, and how she met Kamion, ect...

-elein

Quote:
It definitely wasn’t the grime we had last night. Grime was a basic food for slaves and peasants like me.
You have ‘grime’ two times.

Quote:
I swallowed, then took a bite, but I would never have been prepared for the taste that exploded into my mouth. Without further hesitation I, regrettably admit, devoured it.
‘I, regrettably admit, devoured it’?


Okay, on to part two…


Quote:
was leaning on the stallion’s neck, my arms draped at the sides of it.
Hm… That is a little unclear… Maybe you should say that she was holding on to its neck or something?

Quote:
Now I understood all too well. If we made camp it would be dangerous,
You have ‘dangerous’ above, too. Use something else now.



Wow, that’s all that I could catch, hehe.

Okay, I liked the story, need I say more? Hehe, if you finish the book I’ll give ya all my points xD

I like your style, you have very few errors - that makes it an easy read. As its interesting, its not just a big blob of text, lol. What I would like is that you explain the Farm a bit more, okay?

-elein

Chapter One/ Part two finally finished!

I was surprised when I found myself waking up to a gentle, rocking feeling. I was leaning on the stallion’s neck, my arms draped at the sides of it. Kamion was next to me, walking and leading the horse down the narrow path we were on. It was pitch black, and the light with which I had seen everything was coming from the dim lantern the horse was holding in his mouth. I sat up and rubbed my head, and Kam glanced up at me.

“You fell asleep.” He explained, noticing my confused expression. I nodded, already having figured that out. What surprised me the most was that he had somehow gotten off the stallion without waking me; I was always a light sleeper. You had to be back at the farm.

I waited for him to say something, anything. He was usually the one to start talking, and I would just reply when he expected me too. But all he did was glance around nervously, and I started wondering why we were even walking. I thought he always made camp at night, and it was definitely night. I glanced up at the black pelt, silver dots scattered across it. The two moons could be seen clearly; one shining a dim red, and the other casting a silvery light.

My muscles ached from sleeping in such a strange position, and I tried rolling my shoulders in an effort to ease the soreness. The movement caused Kamion to look up at me again, and I summoned my courage.

“May I walk?” My voice squeaked, I wasn’t used to asking questions. It got you a long beating at the farm, but I had to remind myself that Kamion wasn’t Him, he wouldn’t hit me.

“No.” His answer made me blink in incredulity. I had to admit I wasn’t expecting that answer. Besides, I thought he might like to ride. His eyes looked more grey than blue in the pale light, but there was no hint of unkindness. “It is detrimental in these parts of the forest, especially at night.”

Now I understood all too well. If we made camp it would be dangerous, probably attract animals we didn’t want. We were probably already doing that. The thought made me look around uneasily. We had light, but what could be lurking in the shadows? As soon as the light went out, or an animal picked up the courage to attack, we’d be doomed. And I had nothing to defend me; no weapon, or knowledge.

I studied Kamion carefully. He had a sword tied to his waist in a leather sheath, and I suddenly realized the pack on his back was full of arrows. I wondered how blind I could have been to not notice either of these things before. Now I remembered, when we were making camp the other day, he had set both things down. I had thought nothing of them at the time. And now they were the wall between my life and death. It was strange out here; one second something could mean nothing to you, and the next minute it meant everything.

“We should be getting out of here before noon,” Kam’s voice broke into my thoughts, “and then we will be heading for a small village called P’sooth. I think we’ll be fine until th-“ He was cut off by a loud, inhuman wail, that turned every drop of blood I had in me into ice. He immediately had his sword out, holding it carefully, like he wasn’t used to it. The stallion also came to an abrupt stop, and flung his head up nervously.

“Sh, boy.” Kamion patted his neck to calm him, staring into the woods. Another cry came from it, louder, and without hesitation he was up on the saddle and urging the horse into a gallop down the path. I would have tumbled backwards, but the pack behind the saddle saved me, and I tried to grab that but I could feel myself slipping sideways.

“Kam!” I cried, just as soon as the brute skidded to a stop. Crashing out of the woods came the creature I thought I would never see, but feared the most.

Two, large, golden eyes stared at us from a good ten feet above us, it’s large, white body blocking the path. I could feel myself fall off the saddle and hit the ground, but I was still staring back at the beast.

“Dragon.” Kamion gasped under his breath.

Chapter Two will be up soon, if I get critique to this ^-^.

Okay, I lied. This is Chapter One/ Part One. I fixed it up a bit and made it longer. Don't worry, I don't think Part two will be as long.


Chapter One—
The shadows flickered around me, and the cold seemed to go right through my clothes. I wrapped the old blanket tighter around me, though it made no difference, and inched closer to the fire. The flames were almost licking my face; any closer and I would have been burning my toes.

I glanced up at the boy across from me. He was only a couple years older than me, however old I was. I couldn’t count, and even if I could I would have given up trying to keep track. What was the point? I didn’t even know my birthday. But, back to the point, he looked only a couple years older than me.

If I wasn’t so conscious of my own lack of beauty, I would have told Kamion how handsome he was. His black hair brushed the lower back of his neck, and his bangs were constantly being brushed out of his eyes. His eyes. They were the best part of him. He had intelligent, grey-blue eyes, and it was obvious he was wiser than his age told when you looked at them. He was lean, but muscular, and atleast half a foot taller than me. That was the reason I had been so scared of him when he first found me.

“Jade,” he said, and I jumped, realizing I had been staring at him. I looked away sheepishly, because he had also used my fake name. I couldn’t use my real name. There was too much danger of it somehow being heard, and someone recognizing me. “Here.” He pulled his own blanket off his shoulders and draped it around mine. I shivered with pleasure, but I knew it wasn’t right to use his things.

“Please, I am fine. I do not need this, use it for yourself.” I said quietly, starting to pull it off. He held it up.

“I am not cold, and your fingers are turning blue.” He smiled as I quickly slid my fingers beneath the blanket.

“Very well.” I murmured, looking down at the empty bowl in front of me and wrapping his blanket around me. I almost hoped that it would smell like roses and honey, just for the romance. But it didn’t. It didn’t smell any better than mine. All we had to wash our things in was dirty pond or lake water. Sometimes all we had were puddles.

We fell back into silence again, and I looked up at the dark sky. I heard Kamion yawn, and smiled slightly. I had often worked until late at night, and I could stand being up so late. Kamion, though, apparently wasn’t used to it.

“Time to dream.” He suddenly said brightly, and I was once again taken by surprise. It was what my mother said to me, and all it basically meant was that I should go to bed. All I could do was nod solemnly and hand his blanket to him. But he shook his head, his eyes shining in the moonlight.

“I do not need it.” He smiled, then whistled softly. The bay stallion who had been grazing some ways off lifted his head and trudged over obediantly. I watched the brute fold his legs under him, and Kamion leaned back against its side.

“Good night.” I whispered, but wasn’t sure if he heard me. If he had, he didn’t make any attempt to respond. I sat there for a moment longer before draping my blanket on the ground, laying down, and pulling his over my shoulders. I lay there, staring into the fire, as the two fell asleep.

~~~

“What happened?” His voice rang through the room clearly. I cringed and turned my head just enough to see from the corner of my vision. The young girl in front of Him was obviously having a hard time staying still. “I asked you already! What. Happened.” The deep voice broke off into a growl.

“I-I was just b-being clumsy.” The girl mumbled, choking back her tears. He smacked His hand across her face, sending her stumbling back. I cringed, but continued wiping off the table with the wet cloth in my hand.

“You will address me as sir! Now get back to work and don’t expect dinner!” He spat angrily, and the girl nodded, her eyes wide as she rubbed her cheek.

“Y-yessir.” She stammered before turning and scrambling away as fast as she could. I watched her dart out the door, sympathy etched into my face. ‘Dinner’ wasn’t that good anyway, moldy bread and old cheese. Atleast we had a clear stream to drink from, which was more than most slaves got.

“Rima!” Hearing my name from His mouth almost made me drop the towel. Scared I had done something wrong, I turned and dipped my head.

“Yes, can I help you, sir?” I murmured cautiously, careful not to show my fear. I looked up as His shadow fell over me, and cringed at his ale-stained breath.

“You’re one of my most valuable workers. Which is why I’m selling you, the money will be good profit for the farm. But before I can do that, you must meet with The Council, and they will decide if you may sell.” That’s what they did. Sell us off like cattle. Rage burned up in me, but I held the flames from my tongue.

“Yessir.”

“They test you. I don’t want you to fail. Got it?”

“Yessir.”

“Good. Continue cleaning.” He turned and strode away. I stayed like that for a second longer before turning and looking around the old house. I had to admit that I had no friends here, nor any family. My mother had died when I was young, and I never learned how. All I could remember was that she had been coughing a lot, but she always told me she was fine. I knew now that she just didn’t want to trouble me.

Like all woman who weren’t wealthy, they got plucked from a crowd, given to a random man, and they were depended on to make a child. Once that one was old enough, she was given to another man. I knew I must have had atleast a dozen brothers and sisters, but I would never know who they were. I must have been the youngest though, for I was the one to see my mother ‘leave’.

~~~

I woke up with the memory still lingering in the corners of my mind. That had been a long time ago, when I had first gone in front of The Council.

Kamion was already up, and cooking something that made my mouth water. It definitely wasn’t the grime we had last night. Grime was a basic food for slaves and peasants like me. It was tasteless, grey matter, that was like paste with lumps in it. Not many people favoured the food.

I sat up and glanced at the horizon. The sun was just a sliver above the trees, casting a dim light over the land. Kamion must have packed while I was sleeping, because the bowls and supples were gone, and the horse was saddled. A pack was resting behind the saddle, tied to it with an old rope.

“Here.” The boy handed me a type of food I had never seen before, and I was rather hesitant in taking it. To tell the truth, it didn’t look all that appealing. A strange, tan leaf was wrapped around what looked like watery meat. But it smelled nectareous, and after studying it for several more moments I realized the ‘tan leaf’ was actually some sort of bread, flattened out.

I swallowed, then took a bite, but I would never have been prepared for the taste that exploded into my mouth. Without further hesitation I regrettably admit that I devoured it. Like a starving wolf, if I must explain more. Kamion didn’t seem to mind, he ate his quietly, and when he was finished he stood up and slung another pack over his shoulder.

“Are you coming with me?” He asked, tilting his head at the horse. I glanced around, not sure how to reply. It was dangerous out here, whether you were alone or not, and I had no experience. Nor did I have any supplies but my blanket and several pairs of clothes. “I won’t mind some company. A horse doesn’t make up for a person very well.” Kam said, as if sensing my thoughts.

“Okay, if you don’t mind.” I said uncertainly, trying to hold back my pleased smile. Not because I knew I would be dead before evening without him, but the idea of having a person to talk to, who wasn’t going to scream after every word you said, was quite enticing.

“Have you ever ridden a horse?” He patted the stallion’s neck and smiled at me. I shook my head, hoping he wasn’t going to suggest what I thought he was going to. Unfortunately I must not have hoped enough. “Well, you’ll learn now. Come on.” I stepped forward uncertainly as he draped the reins over the horse’s neck.

“Watch me, it isn’t that hard to get on.” He slipped his foot into the loop, with was attached to the saddle by a leather strap. He swung his leg over, then looked down at me, holding out his hand. “Left foot goes first, and then you just pull yourself up.” I paused as he took his foot out of the loop, then I replaced it with mine and took his hand.

I was surprised at the strength that he pulled me up. I barely had to do anything, except get my other leg over the horse’s back. As soon as I had settled in behind him, my feet in the loops, his pressed against the horse’s side, he kicked it into a trot. I yelped, and he glanced back at me.

“Hold on!” He laughed, and I just managed to get my arms around him before the horse was cantering through the woods.

Part Two coming soon...

Yes, dragons will come soon. And thank you for your comments...Eleinasari, I don't see how that sentence is unclear, but I'll try to change it.

I'm also sorry for my lack of vocabulary. It will be picking up, I wrote this in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep, so I have a good excuse ^-^; not to mention in my English class we have to memorize ten words we don't know from the dictionary, every week. It's making my mind all jumbled and causing me to right simpler sentences.

She's oficially thirteen now -Welcome to the club, lol!

quote:
The flames were almost licking my face, and any closer I would be burning my toes.
The last part is a little unclear. I would change that somehow.

Okay, so that's it. I have second thoughts about using the parenthesis. It just disrupts the flow, in my opinion. Generally, I liked the chapter, though there is really no connection to the prologue. I suppose that that what is happening in Chapter One is a bit after the prologue? Or a bit before, of course. Anyways, this grabbed my attention, I'll be watching this for more.

-elein

I like it. You reffered to dragons a couple times, so I'm guessing this will have them included later? Besides the lack of vocabulary I'd say it's one of the better stories I've read (hey, I'm just a Novice). Keep it up.

Instead of using
" His back hair was a little long..."
You could try using something like
"His hair brushed the tips the back of his neak..." or something like that.

You are really good at describing your characters!


*Keep writing*

Chapter One [part one]—
The shadows flickered around me, and the cold seemed to go right through my clothes. I wrapped the old blanket tighter around me (though it made no difference) and inched closer to the fire. The flames were almost licking my face, and any closer I would be burning my toes.

I glanced up at the boy across from me. He was only a couple years older than me, however old I was. I couldn’t count, and even if I could I would have given up trying to keep track. What was the point? I didn’t even know my birthday. But, back to the point, he looked only a couple years older than me.

If I wasn’t so conscious of my own lack of beauty, I would have told him how handsome he was. His black hair was a little long, and his bangs were constantly being brushed out of his eyes. His eyes. They were the best part of him. He had intelligent, grey-blue eyes, and it was obvious he was wiser than his age told when you looked at them. He was lean, but muscular, and at least half a foot taller than me. That was the reason I had been so scared of him when he first found me.

“Jade,” he said, and I jumped, realizing I had been staring at him. I looked away sheepishly, because he had also used my fake name. I couldn’t use my real name. There was too much danger of it somehow being heard, and someone recognizing me. “Here.” He pulled his own blanket off his shoulders and draped it around mine. I shivered with pleasure, but I knew it wasn’t right to use his things.

“Please, I am fine. I do not need this, use it for yourself.” I said quietly, starting to pull it off. He held it up.

“I am not cold, and your fingers are turning blue.” He smiled as I quickly slid my fingers beneath the blanket.

“Very well.” I murmured, looking down at the empty bowl in front of me and wrapping his blanket around me. I almost hoped that it would smell like roses and honey, just for the romance. But it didn’t. It didn’t smell any better than mine. I couldn’t really blame anyone. First of all because there was no one to blame, and secondly, there wasn’t any where to clean the blankets except in dirty pond water. Sometimes even puddles.

His name was Kamion, but he told me to call him Kam. I haven’t even been able to say that. Apparently at his home, everyone had called him Kami, and sometimes his friends had called him that just to get him annoyed.

“If I ever find a woman who I love more than the sky and the sea, then she may get away with calling me Kami. But until then, my short name is to be Kam.” I hadn’t been able to reply to that. In fact, most of the things he has said left my mind blank. He didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s pretty dark.” Kamion said absently. I looked up at him.

“It has been for several hours.” I said softly, then looked away. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I wasn’t allowed to. I was a mere slave, and he was a great adventurer.

“Then we ought to be sleeping.” He sounded surprised at himself. Maybe he wasn’t used to losing track of time. I never knew the time. I could only judge by the sun, and I was usually wrong. I handed him his blanket, but he shook his head, eyes shining slightly in the moonlight. “You use it. I don’t need it.” He whistled, and the bay (he insisted I call it this instead of brown) stallion trotted over from the patch of grass he had been working on. Without any noise he folded his legs under him, and Kamion leaned against the beast’s side. I settled my old blanket on the ground, pulled his over my shoulders, and lay there staring at the fire while the two fell asleep.

eleinasari wrote:Generally, I agree with the two above comment, lol J

Quote:
I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them (...)
Seven pairs? Maybe you should add that.
Seven pairs? Seven pairs of what? Seven people are looking at her.

Quote:
I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them, it felt like the whole island on which I was on was staring at me
Okay, this sentence… I had to reread it… Firstly, I would suggest deleting one of the ‘on’ . It is also a bit complex and hard to decipher out: Maybe you should make two sentences out of that?
Fixed, using Sureal's advice.

Quote:
I froze, though desperately wanted to turn and make a face at him.
I would add a second ‘I’.
Also fixed.

Quote:
The old man in the middle said. I couldn’t breathe as I did what I was told. It hadn’t been my fault, my mind was in a jumble
‘it wasn’t my fault THAT my mind was a jumble?’ If not, than I think you should delete the last about the jumble or from a separate sentence.
That was supposed to be a semicolon. I think that makes a bit more sense...

Quote:
It was like they knew too
I don’t really know what’s wrong with this, but if doesn’t sound right somehow… Maybe a comma? ‘It was as if they also knew.’ Oh, I don’t know. Just change it, lol.
Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Anyways, apart from those minor mistakes, the story was VERY interesting and I really liked it. I did not have to make myself read it, which is a big plus on your account. -Am I to expect a continuation? (Try adding more descriptions).

...I'm not really twelve. I mess around with my age when I have nothing better to do, and at the time I must've felt like being twelve.

I don't like giving my age out but if you must know I AM thirteen, and I'll be turning fourteen shortly. Thank you.

--Wings

Which they have to fax through to Nathanial Monkey.

If you have your parent's permission, than it's allowed (or summit like that).

Sorry, Ive just picked up on something.

You arnt legally aloud to be on this forum if you are any less in age than 13 in accordance with COPPA protection which you agreed to on registration.

Hi ^_^.

‘I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them, it felt like the whole island on which I was on was staring at me.’

-The bolded make this an awkward sentence (try saying it out loud). Just cut out the bolded bit - it isn’t needed, as it doesn’t tell us anything the rest of the sentence doesn’t already - and this will read a lot smoother.


‘“Stop moving.” Hignius hissed at me.’

&

‘“Rima. Step forward.” The old man in the middle said.’

&

‘“Step outside.” The man at the end of the table commanded.’

&

‘“What happened?” He growled, grabbing my wrist tightly.’

- The bolded periods should be commas. And because of this, ‘The’ shouldn’t be capitalised.
- In the final one, ‘He’ shouldn’t have a capital letter.


‘Many hours later I sat, curled up in an empty stall.’

- The comma isn’t needed.


I could have sworn you were older than 12. At any rate, you certainly don’t write like a twelve year old.

This has left me wondering (in a good way) what’s going on. I’m curious about the story and the world you’re building up, so you’ve certainly done your job there.

Keep on writing .

Generally, I agree with the two above comment, lol J

Quote:
I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them (...)
Seven pairs? Maybe you should add that.

Quote:
I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them, it felt like the whole island on which I was on was staring at me
Okay, this sentence… I had to reread it… Firstly, I would suggest deleting one of the ‘on’ . It is also a bit complex and hard to decipher out: Maybe you should make two sentences out of that?

Quote:
I froze, though desperately wanted to turn and make a face at him.
I would add a second ‘I’.

Quote:
The old man in the middle said. I couldn’t breathe as I did what I was told. It hadn’t been my fault, my mind was in a jumble
‘it wasn’t my fault THAT my mind was a jumble?’ If not, than I think you should delete the last about the jumble or from a separate sentence.

Quote:
It was like they knew too
I don’t really know what’s wrong with this, but if doesn’t sound right somehow… Maybe a comma? ‘It was as if they also knew.’ Oh, I don’t know. Just change it, lol.

Anyways, apart from those minor mistakes, the story was VERY interesting and I really liked it. I did not have to make myself read it, which is a big plus on your account. -Am I to expect a continuation? (Try adding more descriptions).

This is pretty DARN good for a twelve year old. I thought it was good and can really only repeat what Phorcys said, it could have used some more descriptive words. Wonderful sentence structure variation, though, might I add, goodness, I couldn't right like that a year ago!

Mmm... for a 12 year old its pretty good - for general fiction it was very bland in the English Language area. I felt the sentence contruction was dull and boring with the "I did this and I did that." Alot more variation could be added with the use of present participles:

"Gripping the orb, I dashed outside."

Also your speech construction needs work, you need to review linguistic aspects of this piece - this will come through reading. Read, read and always read.